The More Serious Side of Roy x Ed
by kytyngurl2
Summary: Roy x Ed. The more serious and often darker companion to my 'Lighter Side' drabbles. Roy x Ed through a somewhat different lens. Usually introspective, sometimes sweet, often angsty. Yaoi. Series of one shots.
1. Contrasts

**Contrasts**

By his side were one limb of cold steel and one of warm flesh. One fragile and giving, the other hard and strong.

And that was the way it always was with Fullmetal.

When the boy ran warm, he ran sweet and innocent. Wide golden eyes, lofty selfless goals, a certain naivete about the harsh ways of the world, and a bright hope for the future.

When he ran cold, he ran bitter and cynical. Tense lines around his mouth, an attitude of grim determination, bitter self loathing, and the fear that his dream was both unattainable and undeserved.

One Edward Elric occasionally spoke soft endearments to him, a warm hand running through Roy's hair and down his naked back. This Ed spoke of his dreams, hopes, and plans for dinner and then the library. In this Edward Roy entrusted _everything_.

One Edward Elric often shouted insults to his face, a cold fist shaking in anger as the young alchemist vented his frustrations. This Ed spoke little, but bleak despair and regret showed through his every move and expression. He was depressingly easy for Roy to predict.

Roy Mustang knew and loved them both.

He knew the way automail felt when it punched his arm, but also he knew the delicious sensation it produced when gently trailed across hot flesh. Roy knew the way tanned skin was horribly scarred and maimed in many places, but also he knew the salty and sweet flavor it left in his mouth.

His lover shifted in their bed, warmth untwisting from Roy only to replaced with the icy sting of the blond's other leg. Ed yawned as he did so, slinging a flesh arm over the dark haired man's stomach even as his other, colder, limb pressed up against the older man's neck.

Edward Elric, older brother of Alphonse Elric. The amazing young man who saved so many and cried about those he couldn't help. A beautiful genius who knew the value of sacrifice and hard work and was more than willing to do both. The kind hearted soul who pretended his automail didn't sting so badly in the winter or burn so hot in the summer because he could still_ feel _them and his brother couldn't...

The Fullmetal Alchemist, dog of the military since the age of twelve. The man-child who sinned greatly and also inadvertently caused the death of hundreds. An arrogrant alchemist who ran on a fool's quest knowing that the outcome of that might very well be worse than the hell he and his bother had already endured. The insubordinate Major whose mission reports were full of more swear words and pointless stories than actual information; so that Roy had to keep close tabs on him...

Warm flesh and cold metal.

That was just the way it was Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist.


	2. Understanding

**Understanding**

_I understand._

Many people had told Roy Mustang that over the years, and in many different situations. None truly had understood, of course, but many had said it all the same.

Some had just said the words to be polite. It was the thing to say, so they said it. Such was the pageantry of social life. Others had wanted to use him, and used the words with fake smiles on their faces, hoping to calm him down again so they could use him one more time.

Others, while they did not understand, at least attempted to. Those were his friends... his loved ones. They had looked at him with wide concerned eyes, and truly did _try_ their best. These people always looked distant though, their expressions tense and their words pleading.

It was an impossible thing, to expect anyone to really comprehend. And really, given the situations, he was _glad_ they did not... that they had not experienced the same things he had.

All the same, though...

Roy stood up from his kneel in front of Maes' grave, idly dusting the dried grass off of his knees as he did so. It was still early in the afternoon, and the day was gorgeous. The sort of day his friend would have loved. Maes always was fond of taking Elysia to the park when the weather was like this.

Maes wasn't able to do that anymore. Or much of anything else.

"Here," Edward stepped forward, handed him the bunch of flowers he had been carrying, and gestured to the vase set before the stone. "Better get them in the water before they wilt."

Nodding, the older man took the flowers and did as asked. He felt weary. Each time he visited Maes, it always was the same. A terrible feeling of weight and oppressive _guilt_.

Roy had not said anything, but Edward spoke up then all the same.

"I understand."

For once, Roy had the feeling that someone really _did_.


	3. Helpless

**Helpless**

It was happening again.

Roy silently watched as his lover bit off a pained moan and rolled over in bed once more, as if changing position would somehow cause the agony to cease. Edward's brow was dotted with a thin sheen of cold sweat and his human arm helplessly clutched at his automail port, so tightly that the tips of his fingers were near white.

The younger man's shifting had woken Roy out of a sound sleep over three hours ago, and the couple had remained awake since then... Both suffering in their own way.

And the night wasn't even a third over yet.

Roy started as the shuddering blond suddenly let out a strange sound, half-whimper and half-sob, and it was all he could do to not sit up-- jump up-- and offer to help. He'd do anything to be able to erase the creases of agony from his companion's face and sooth him back into a peaceful rest. Anything.

But there wasn't a damned thing Roy could do. His own research and the reports of various doctors had confirmed as much: This was Phantom Limb Syndrome, and there was no medicine or treatment that would be able to cure it. It was 'All in your head', every single specialist had said cooly.

Ed just had to wait for these spells to pass, and he would never know how long that would take or when one would come back for another pass. The infrequency of the attacks only made the waiting worse.

Now Roy was laying in bed with Edward and pretending to be asleep. His lover's pride was strong, and if he knew how often Roy lay awake at night and _worried_... then the younger man would be even more unhappy. Roy didn't want that.

There was another tiny pained noise, and the mattress bounced as Ed curled into a tight little ball. This particular bout really did seem to be worse than other ones, noted the silent watcher with concern. That was a depressing thought... Roy hated to think that Ed's condition was degenerating.

Mentally sighing, the dark haired man decided to risk it. Carefully, he rolled over in bed himself, eyes closed and face slack as if he was asleep. The way Edward needed to think he was. The moment he started to move, he felt the blond freeze. Roy was sure if he opened his eyes, he'd find two too-wide ones staring right back at him in horror.

Feigning a sleepy mumble, the older man moved over to Edward's side. Once there, it was a simple matter to gently throw his arms around him and pull the blond close. Roy was sure not to put any pressure on the automail and prayed it was at least comforting to his lover.

It must have been, for slowly the tenseness leaked out of that small body. Edward relaxed against him, and grew silent. All and all, a slight improvement.

Roy seriously doubted that a mere hug had stopped Ed's pain, and he understood breathing patterns well enough himself to know the other man was still very much awake. This was, sadly, no more than a mere gesture, even if it was the best he could do.

Still...

Metal fingers intertwined with warm human ones, and then squeezed.

Maybe it was enough. Almost.


	4. That Word

**That Word**

There were a few words Edward Elric, under no circumstances, would allow himself to use. The first set of them involved the words 'give up', or anything using the same concept. The second, 'freak' or 'cripple'.

The third was 'I love you'.

He loved his little brother, of that there was no doubt. And Ed would personally have no issues clocking the bastard that dared even hint otherwise.

Al didn't need to hear those words from him, he _knew_.

Edward wasn't sure how he felt about Roy Mustang. It was not quite as simple as the pure and uncompromising affection he had for Alphonse, yet...

It shouldn't be love. Sometimes, he and his lover got along _horribly_. Ed shouted and Roy teased, and both somehow ended up getting their feelings hurt along the way. The Fullmetal Alchemist wouldn't and couldn't stay by the Flame's side, and the Flame Alchemist _needed_.

The whole thing was a terrible idea and on so many levels. It was likely brought on by loneliness and hormones.

But then Roy would smile at him in a particular way, one Edward never saw him share with anyone else. Or the blond would be exhausted, so close to throwing the book he was researching across the room and just _screaming_, and somehow his lover knew exactly what to say.

Sometimes Roy would suddenly sit up stick-straight in bed at night, his breath hoarse and rapid. Those lovely dark eyes would stare blindly ahead, opened far too wide. Edward would then lean over and put an arm around the other man's shoulders.

And somehow, it always seemed to help.

Edward sighed and looked over at his lover from his place on Roy's office couch. The older man was reviewing his newest mission report, and though Ed just got back in town he could already tell Roy had pulled a few all-nighters that week. Again.

Roy looked up and met his gaze, then, as if by magic, his shoulders relaxed ever so slightly.

"Hey, I'll go grab you some extra coffee." Ed nodded, and then stood up.

Honestly, there were some words that people just didn't need. They were awkward and messy things, really. Humans were strange like that.

Bringing the hot mug back to his lover, Ed smiled.

There was nothing he needed to say.


	5. The Spaces in Between

**The Spaces in Between**

_"Please understand. We can't do this. The situation we are in right now... it's too dangerous!" It was difficult to keep his voice low, controlled. But if he didn't, he would defeat the purpose of his own words. And the boy-- Edward-- had to see._

Fullmetal only blinked back at him, his expression clouded. "What do you mean, Colonel?"

"I mean..."

Their relationship is unlike any Roy has ever experienced, and sometimes he thinks it will be the death of him. There is always that careful distance-- no words of love at all. Only thoughts that somehow slip in between the spaces of what they dare to say out loud.

And even then, caution is the key.

_Roy looked regretful. "I mean, Edward, that if we get caught... it would be all over. Everything. And make no mistake of it, we are being watched. We both have too many enemies, and our ambitions are far too transparent, it seems." He sighed, wishing he dared reach over to take Ed's hand-- make this rejection hurt less._

However, the younger alchemist didn't look upset, instead he looked thoughtful. He had that gleam in his eyes, a gleam Roy had learned to recognize with trepidation. Fullmetal was scheming.

"I have an idea."

Their only acts of love are ones that can fit in between the spaces of what they dare not do. They never touch. In fact, since that one day, they have never dared to lay a hand on each other. There are no sweet words, no presents, no dates, no kissing, no sex, and therefore--

_"...What if we make it so we are safe... but still 'together'?"_

--Nothing that can be pinned on the pair. The Fuhrer, Hakuro, the Homunculi... they can dig all they want, and still never find any proof that the Flame Alchemist and Fullmetal feel anything for each other except a strange friendship tinted with no small amount of rivalry.

The actions might be crimes according to the law but the feelings are not.

It is painful, though. To have someone he wants and cares for so very close, and to still have them slip away from his hands. He had forced his hands to do just that. Knowing it is for the best does not help either.

Not when Roy has to bite his tongue and keep his hands at his sides when Edward has that dejected and lonely look on his face. Or when he struggles to keep his fretfulness invisible after the younger alchemist goes for days before reporting his progress.

A wise man would put a stop to this. It is masochistic and painful. A normal person never would have been lured into this situation to begin with.

But he can't stop.

For the first time in years he feels something. A passion so strong and real it _hurts_... perhaps even more than the pain caused by the distance they have forced between each other.

_He had sighed then. "It won't be easy, you know. We can't slip up. Not one little bit. And you and I don't have a single clue as to how long a wait it will be. In fact, it might very well never be safe for us."_

"I know." The boy looked serious, leaning over the side of his desk with shadowed eyes. "But I'm willing to go through that. I can wait..." An automail hand furtively sneaked under his desk to take Roy's, "...for this. Can you?"

How ironic, the first time he fell in love with someone, that person turned out to be not only a male, but also a boy he dared not touch. After all the unbridled sensuality of his affairs with women. The contact--

Somehow, it is fitting.

_Edward stood back suddenly, gesturing for Roy to do the same. "Okay then, we won't do anything." He waited for Roy to nod back before making his move._

Strong hands took Roy's shoulders and gently pulled him down for a far-too-quick kiss. The first and last they had shared. When it was over, the boy smiled at him sadly.

"It's a promise then." 

Amazingly, they have been able to keep that promise for several years now. In his better moods, Roy can even admit it is rather funny. The Great Roy Mustang, Womanizer Extraordinaire, taken off the market by a teenage boy. If it hadn't been a secret, he could have won several long-standing office betting pools.

Of course, if it hadn't been a secret, there would not be any long-standing office betting pools to begin with. Roy still has to take out women occasionally, to keep up appearances. His dates are a comical dance of frustration for his feminine admirers.

Leather creaks as his lover's body shifts on the soft couch in Roy's office, briefly capturing his attention, then he slips back into his musings, idly filling out some more of his paperwork as he does so.

It is a strange relationship, of that there is no doubt. If they consummate it, many would be aghast at them, at the way the couple has again thumbed their nose at social mores. If the two continue without touching, with only little bits of tenderness that slip their way in, they are fools. Heartsick idiots who obviously like suffering a bit too much.

His lover coughs, and this time Roy recognizes the signal. Catching his eyes, Edward smiles up at him, quickly, audaciously. The man boldly meets the boy's eyes for one ardent moment. It is strange. He knew the boy was there, but he didn't feel him as a separate presence.

In the end, this is the thing that lets him know it is worth all the torment. He has found someone who can slip into his life with absolutely no effort at all. Edward belongs here, with him and within him.

They can wait, and they would.

Together.


End file.
